Maybe this is TMI

I know that people go through life and experience all kinds of things. There are things that happen to us that change us forever. 9 years ago today I had one of those moments.

I was 18. A senior in high school. And my life changed.

On October 10, 2000 I went to Alta View Hospital to have an ultrasound done. I was 22 weeks pregnant and going into find out if I was having a boy or a girl. (It was finally at the point that my family was getting excited about this little baby. After all, I was in high school and unmarried.) My mom, Adam and I went to the hospital that morning with all the excitement in the world. It was raining. We went into the ultrasound room and the lady started the ultrasound. She told me the baby's head was on my left side, then she got quiet. As I was looking at the screen, I knew there was something wrong. Something didn't look right. She took a few pictures then told us she'd be right back. We were left there alone...knowing something was wrong. She came back, handed Adam the video tape and said, "you need to go see your doctor.

The ultra sound tech couldn't find a heartbeat.

Because I was 22 weeks pregnant I had to give birth to this little baby like a normal birth. The next 2 days were really hard. My body knew it wasn't time for me to have this little baby. But after a lot of medicine, visits from family, and tears on October 12, 2000 @ 5:20am I gave birth to my little boy Corbin Daniel Herd. Adam, me, my mom, and Adam's parents were there that morning to see him.

He had my big head, my long legs. Long fingers like his daddy and a nose like his dad too. Everything about him was perfect...except that he wasn't breathing. He was so tiny. I spent about an hour with him, then said good bye.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss my little boy. I wish I could see his face, hold his hand, smother him with kisses, hear his voice. I wish Leila knew her big brother.

I was young, but I was ready to be a mom. But I knew that my life may be in a very different place. I try so hard to stay positive and not get angry, but I am human. I know that there's a reason why we all go through the things that we do. That day I literally felt like I was in hell. I can re-live those 2 days more vividly than almost any other days of my life. But maybe it was for me that my little boy didn't get to spend life with me on this earth.

This poem was one I found online after Corbin died. It was what helped and continues to help me when I'm missing Corbin.

A MOTHER HAS A BABY, THIS WE KNOW IS TRUE.
BUT GOD, CAN YOU BE A MOTHER, WHEN YOUR BABY'S NOT WITH YOU?
YES, YOU CAN, HE REPLIED WITH CONFIDENCE IN HIS VOICE.
I GIVE MANY WOMEN BABIES, WHEN THEY LEAVE IS NOT THEIR CHOICE.
SOME I SEND FOR A LIFETIME; AND OTHERS FOR A DAY
AND SOME I SEND TO FEEL YOUR WOMB; BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO STAY.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, GOD, I WANT MY BABY HERE.
HE TOOK A BREATH AND CLEARED HIS THROAT; AND THEN, I SAW A TEAR.
I WISH I COULD SHOW YOU, WHAT YOUR CHILD IS DOING TODAY.
IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR CHILD SMILE WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND SAY.
"WE GO TO EARTH TO LEARN OUR LESSON'S OF LOVE AND LIFE AND FEAR,
MY MOMMY LOVED ME OH SO MUCH, I GOT TO COME STRAIGHT HERE...
I FELL SO LUCKY TO HAVE A MOM, WHO HAD SO MUCH LOVE FOR ME
I LEARNED MY LESSON VERY QUICKLY, MY MOMMY SET ME FREE.
I MISS MY MOMMY OH SO MUCH; BUT I VISIT HER EACH DAY.
WHEN SHE GOES TO SLEEP, ON HER PILLOW IS WHERE I LAY
I STROKE HER HAIR AND KISS HER CHEEK, AND WHISPER IN HER EAR.
MOMMY, DON'T BE SAD TODAY, I'M YOUR BABY AND I'M HERE."
SO, YOU SEE, MY DEAR SWEET ONE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE OKAY
YOUR BABIES ARE HERE IN MY HOME; AND THIS IS WHERE THEY'LL STAY.
THEY'LL WAIT FOR YOU WITH ME, UNTIL YOUR LESSON IS THROUGH
AND ON THE DAY THAT YOU COME HOME; THEY'LL BE AT THE GATES FOR YOU.
SO, NOW YOU SEE WHAT MAKES A MOTHER, IT'S THE FEELING IN YOUR HEART
IT'S THE LOVE YOU HAD SO MUCH OF; RIGHT FROM THE VERY START.
THOUGH SOME ON EARTH MY NOT REALIZE YOU ARE A MOTHER
THEY'LL BE UP WITH ME ONE DAY; AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST ONE.

What happens to us does define us, at least a little. My little boy taught me a love that I didn't know existed in this world. He gave me a second chance. Maybe I wouldn't have Drew and Leila if Corbin were still here. In a perfect world I'd get to have all 3 of them. But its just not the reality of it.

Corbin-
I know that you are with your Heavenly Father today doing amazing things. I miss you so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here with me. I know someday I will be able to see you, hold you and smother you with kisses. I know you're waiting for me and watching over me. I hope that I will fully understand why I had to say good bye to you before I got to really meet you. Drew is taking good care of me and I know you helped in sending him to me. He loves you Corbin and wishes he could have got to know you. I'll love you forever. I'll miss you, until that day that I get to see you again.
Love Always,
Mommy